How the week unfolded when my mom died...9/16/2014Ever since the first day that I met her, Mom made it known that she was not scared of death.
She had been living each year like it was going to be her last. She would always say that she had no interest growing old, and that she was surprised that she has lasted this long. While she was still around, she still wanted to be her best. I wanted to call her bluff at the end. I have never felt the anxiety that I felt the week before going home to help my mother prepare for death. I couldn't sleep without self-medicating on brown liquor and Tylenol pm. One of my dear friends, Tina, flew in from Dubai. She spent the week trying to help me come to terms with the trip. I can't imagine how my friends felt during this time. They were all so amazing. The night before my flight they had a small support party to calm my nerves before the trip. With a bottle of jack, two suitcases and a strong heart- I entered her room. Her face lit up, my heart almost beat out of chest and I crawled in the hospice bed with her. She wrapped her arms around my entire body and squeezed tight. I couldn't help it, I burst out into the most painful cry that I had ever felt. We both sobbed and made the entire bed shake. There was nothing to talk about. She was dying, I was hurt. As I sat up, I looked her up and down. She looked so sad. Her fine little pieces of hair were sticking up with nowhere else to go and barely hanging on. I could see her limp body and obvious chest bones now protruding out of her hospital gown. She used to always say how important it was for her to die with dignity. I know that this is not what she meant. The hours ran together and the next three days felt like they all happen within one. The first night, she was the most lucid and continued to normal conversation as we always had. Her stories got a bit funnier directly following the morphine injections, but I understood all of it. She dozed in and out of sleep and I took advantage of this and napped with her. My body and my mind were both exhausted. The eighteen hour journey was nothing but an anxiety stricken waiting game. The pull out couch wasn’t awful, but the room was freezing and it wasn’t the most comfortable situation Mom tossed and turned in her sleep and moan quite a bit. Once the nurse would come in and give her more meds, she would be out again and comfortable. She had many visitors on the second day and she was still in high spirits. Her conversation began to slow down and I noticed that she was having much harder time breathing on day two. My friends were extremely supportive and kept the family room full. Everyone was respectful of the fact that I didn’t want everyone crowding her in the room, so they sat and kept each other company. They just wanted me to feel their presence and it definitely made a difference. Day three began and I wasn’t prepared for it. I woke up early to see that she was picking at the breakfast tray that they brought in the room. I asked if she wanted me to get her something else, she scrunched up her nose and shook her head. I stayed up late and read plenty of articles on the signs of our final days. No one wants to eat when they are dying. The body decides that it is no longer hungry. I couldn’t accept this. “ What about Le Peep breakfast, Mom? It’s your favorite!” She gave a small smile and nodding yes. I am positive that she was only doing this for me. My denial allowed me to play along. I rushed to get dressed and drove to Le Peep for two breakfast orders to-go. When I returned, my appetite was actually gone as well. The thought of all of this moving so fast was making me nauseous. We both picked at our food for about thirty minutes. She looked like she was in more pain and she wanted to sleep. The main doctor made her typical Monday rounds and stopped to check her finger nails, toe nails, and the rest of the full assessment. As mom was nodding off to sleep, the doctor asked me to step outside. She didn’t sugar coat a thing. “Hi Lacey. I am happy that you made it in to be with your mom. I know that this is a very difficult time, but I want to be direct. We are now in the final hours. No one can know for sure. I never try to play God, but if you want my best guess- I would say that she’ll let go today or tomorrow. “ I didn’t have a response. The doctor asked if I had any questions. I had plenty, but none that she could help me with. My cousin Brandy walked in ten minutes later. I was alone and had just received the news. She was right on time with flowers in her hand and a small card. She sat with me for a little while and let me tell her about how scared I was to let go. I read the card that she left for Mom. “ Bettie, You have been a blessing to me and my family. Thank you for giving us Lacey!” My heart sank and I was grateful to have a family that loved me so much. A few other friends came and went. Candace agreed to stay the night with me. I am sure I looked terrified to face the night alone, after the report that was given by the doctor. It was a terrible night. We all three fell asleep quite quickly. She fought the nurses in the late hours of her last night and tried to pull her IV out of her neck. The drugs weren't allowing her to stay awake any longer. As soon as they would wear off, she was back to gasping for air. Her lungs were quickly filling with fluid and the cancer that spread to her spinal cord was now shutting down the rest her mobility. She was extremely irritable and was trying to rip off her hospital gown. She grabbed my arm tight and I covered my face with my t-shirt. It was awful to watch her suffer and gasp for air. I pressed the button to call for the nurse. She came in with extra morphine and said, she was basically drowning. Mom eyes got really big as the nurse injected the needle into the IV, Mom faded to sleep mumbling that she was scared. Her last words were - "I''m scared." The nurse explained that this would be the final phase and the most painful. She recommended that we keep her comfortable by increasing the morphine. At least she wouldn’t have to experience the scary stages of drowning. I agreed to the recommendation. I called my brother and a few of my close friends. We all gathered in the room with a lot of whiskey and kept the conversation going as steadily as possible. It was starting to get late, so Ryan suggested that we all gather around her and say a home going prayer for peace. I sobbed the entire way through it, but it did actually make the entire room feel better. Mom had been breathing the exact same all day. One of us read an article that stated that playing music helps to calm the nerves of people that may be frightened or holding on. We turned on a soft R&B song at the edge of the bed and as soon as it started playing, her breathing changed. Everyone was shocked. I pressed the call button for the nurse. She came to check with her stethoscope on her chest. She announced that these would be her last few breaths. My friends all looked at me and took the cue to rush out. It was just my brother and I on each side of the bed. The music continued to softly play. We both just stared in shock like zombies. We both kissed her cheeks gently and felt her chest with our hands. As the music stopped, mom took her last small breath. We both froze and time stood still. Her soul was leaving her body and leaving us here in this room. The nurses came in again, checked her heartbeat and looked at us both. “She’s gone. God bless her soul.”
3 Comments
Sharon
9/16/2017 03:30:34 pm
You described perfectly what we all feel when watching our Mothers pass from this life. I've never been able to put it in words, but I felt every hurt and up and down emotion with you. Thank you for putting into words what I've never been able to say. God Bless You!
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Candace J.
9/16/2017 08:01:54 pm
Reading this puts me right back to this exact time when we were all with you ... literally of the hardest things I had to witness (next to losing my grandmother) but in that same breath I'm incredibly blessed that I met your mother /my mentor she was literally one the most transparent ,uplifting and honest person I have ever met in my life . She lifted me up even when I was down on myself and was like "no, no, no were going to lunch marketing Candace meet me at chipotle " lol . I miss that energy and that spirit so much ! May her beautiful spirit continue to soar in heaven sister
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Angela H.
9/27/2017 03:30:09 pm
I just read this and burst into tears. These exact same final moments of harsh breathing and inability to talk.... the cancer had spread to my moms spinal cord also and just like that she was gone. I had just talked to her the day before. I was on a plane to be by her side and I was too late. I received her medical records from MD Anderson and it contained clergy notes from their visits. The day before she passed she told the priest that she wanted God to take her before I got there. She didn't want her little girl to see her in so much pain. God answered her prayers and I believe in our final hours his mercy and grace is with us all wether we understand it in that moment or not.
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