Last night I cried in bed.
I tossed and turned for about 20 minutes before the crying began, but it came. The crying started soft, trying not to wake my husband and then my whole body shook.
My first emotional trigger was only because I couldn't get comfortable, but then - my discomfort turned into sadness for myself. I NEVER like to pity myself, especially while creating a life that I prayed for...I wanted another baby. I still want another baby - so why was I so sad?
Last night, I felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry for my body. I felt worn out in this body of mine, and felt that 11 weeks was just way too long. Entering the 3rd trimester is already emotional, but last night was strange...
I felt guilt for being exhausted. I felt ashamed to be so weak, when all I have ever wanted was a big family. Every kick from my baby caused feelings of sadness last night. I just wanted to be comfortable, and then I cried thinking - will I ever be comfortable again? Geez - sooooo dramatic!
Darrance woke up and his sympathy brought more guilt. I felt selfish when he woke up and silly for my feelings, but he just listened. He didn't mock me with, "this is what you wanted!" I needed the tender understanding of my partner last night, and he showed up.
And again this morning...he showed up..
While I was typing away on my computer, he snuck back in after dropping off Cruz at Daycare with flowers, a card, my favorite magazine, a boudain kolache and strawberry milk.
Today - I am comfortable. I am ready to finish this pregnancy strong!