I can’t remember a time when I didn’t long to be a mother. I’ve idolized the role in such a special way, and I haven’t wanted anything more than this…so why am I now scared?
I'm getting used to the name Madre and the sweetness of the sound. I have adjusted to my role as a bonus mom and feel honored to be a part of this special young man's life. I felt immediately accepted by him, loved my him and I felt fun. With this little boy in my womb right now, I am terrified!!
I guess there is no reason for me to state the obvious- the not so sexy side of a growing belly and weird bodily happenings, the most anticipated event for a woman to actually deliver an 8lb baby from her lemon sized vagina, or the tremendous lack of sleep that comes post-delivery. That’s not the scary part for me.
I’m more scared of the pedestal type position that I have always created for the title “mother”. It was so easy for me to picture being a wonderful mom when I was little. Although I had a beautiful village of women who supported me, I didn’t have a mom growing up. I would dream of the type of mom I wanted and the type that I wanted to be, and most images were perfect…unrealistically perfect.
When I met my mother at 18 years old, I could now compare my dreams with reality. The disappointment was unreal. She felt it and I felt it, but it wasn’t fair. She was literally competing with a fairy tale. While my friends all had time to go through the “ I hate my mom” phase or “ she doesn’t know anything” phase, I was behind. I now had to juggle all feelings about my mother in a way that was productive and in a way that could sustain our friendship. The balance was impossible. Our expectations collided and it took us 9 years to fully accept our relationship as our beautiful, unique possession. It took me 9 years to forgive her for not living up to my expectation and realizing that she was so much more! She was an amazing soul. I needed more time to love and appreciate her.
What if baby boy comes with expectations for his mother. Not what if- it’s when he does.. how do I manage his expectations and avoid years of disappointment, just for being myself. That is terrifying! What if Karma decides that I deserve the harsh criteria that I placed on my mom? What if baby boy grows up blaming me for so many things and then waits until I’m on my way out of this world to forgive me?
I’m not scared of childbirth. I’m not scared of losing sleep. I’m scared of losing my favorite pieces of myself, while just trying to be a good mom. I’m scared of my personality not lining up with what he deems “cool” and even at a young age, him realizing that his dreams in my womb were something more magnificent than this…
..as terrified as I am, I’m ready..y’all pray for me…