I'm going to try to express my feelings without making this awkward.. my intention is for you to feel me..
Mother's Day was very different for me this year. As I held my 5 week old baby in my arms, I thought about you and your 5 year old baby. I thought one very distinct phrase- "what the hell have I been thinking?"
The first year of co-parenting has gone down in the books, and I have to apologize! I need to say sorry for not giving you the time that you deserved. I rushed you! I forced my way into your life without much warning and expected quick acceptance. I moved home last January and immediately started to build a relationship with your son. You had very little say in the way I interacted with him and the time we spent together. That had to be so difficult!
I have to admit though, from Day 1- my intentions have been 100% genuine and from a good place, but how were you supposed to know that?! I was a stranger! Kids are so much more forgiving and easier to cling on, so little man had no problems. While quickly getting close to him, I should have considered your feelings more. I should have taken it slowly and waited for an organic transition, but the control freak inside just wouldn't let that happen. I wanted fast results and for us all to be one big, happy family. I caused the opposite.
As for dad, he got caught in the middle. I put so much pressure on him to make this all work. Our relationship was moving quickly and I gave him zero slack in the parenting department. I owe him an apology as well. He would have handled this year a lot better if I would have fully let him drive this ship, but I pushed too hard and tried to take over. You know his heart, and that he's not cold- he was just trying to respect me and balance that with you. It came off wrong..that was my fault, not his..
Instead of allowing him to reconcile his past, it's almost like I wanted him to forget it. Let me rephrase that, I wanted him to forget you. Now having a baby of my own, I realize how impossible that is..
No one can forget such a beautiful exchange of love while creating a life. There is so much magic that occurs while staring at a baby that was made by two people in love. I guess I was afraid to accept that and allow that to be our reality, but I have to ...I know now the beauty of accepting you. I know the beauty of admiring your strength to deal with me. I know the power of positive thoughts towards you instead of negative. After 9 months of carrying a life and only 5 weeks of no sleep and infinite hormones, I have a different respect for you and an apology has been in my heart since the first day that I saw my son. How would I feel in your shoes?
I can't take back any of the hurt that I caused you this past year, but I can make steps to a better relationship.
I don't want to start over. That would mean we didn't learn anything from this year, but I do want to start fresh with a clear heart.
So here's to you. The woman who made him a dad first. My heart has softened to your situation, my respect level has risen to the reality of your strength and my ego has let down to accept our future. We are in this for a long time...may our road be more pleasant than our hearts can ever imagine!
Happy Mother's Day!